Since polyamory seems to be all the rage these days in mainstream media, I thought I’d tell you about my relationship. You could say my girlfriend and I are in a polycule with multiple rather demanding partners, all mine. It’s not a very healthy dynamic, sometimes my other partners get in the way of our date nights, causing me to miss plans or cancel last minute. I won’t hear from one of them for days or weeks and suddenly they show up demanding all of my attention. They interfere with my primary partner’s and my sex life, wanting to join in when they aren’t welcome, becoming a disruption.
When my girlfriend and I began dating almost two years ago, she was aware of my other partners, but I played down the role they had in my life (I’m aware this is not how you conduct ethical non-monogamy, but as I said before, not healthy relationships). They’d come and go every once in a while, accompanying us on dates, but not really making themselves known. I had to cancel a few plans in the early months, but I was so enamored with her that I didn’t want my existing relationships with my body to get in the way.
On one memorable date, about three months into our relationship and only a few weeks after we’d started calling each “girlfriend”, I had intensely painful ovulation cramping, so bad I, usually fairly mobile, needed to walk with a cane and wear a TENS unit on top of the 500 mg of Naproxen and 1000 mg of Tylenol I had taken just to be able to bare the pain. This is one of my standing dates, occurring every twelve to fourteen days after my period begins and usually lasting for 2-4 days, a part of my chronic pelvic pain and PCOS. Still though, not wanting this long term partner to keep me from the exciting new one, I decided we’d make it a triple date and I dragged myself out to meet my girlfriend at a movie theater in Soho, letting her know I wasn’t feeling my best, but not giving her a full picture of what was going on.
I miserably sat between the two of them, trying not to throw up in the bucket of popcorn that sat between us, not to cry when my TENS unit died, to follow the conversation through my brain fog at the bar after, where I watched her, looking luminous in the bar light, drink a cocktail, hopelessly wishing it was just the two of us. I left the date tragically early to go home with my pain, where we lay curled up on my couch together for the rest of the night while my girlfriend attended a birthday party for her friend. She told me recently that this was when she realized the reality of my illnesses and, thank god, it didn’t scare her away.
On a more recent example, we took a trip to Buffalo to visit her family and, uninvited, migraine decided to show up and brought IBS along. These two like to date as a package deal and I rarely see one without the other. They caused a sleepless night and an afternoon spent in a darkened bedroom while everyone partied out in the yard, frolicking in the pool. Again, my girlfriend was gracious about their presence, allowing me time to attend to them without any jealousy or guilt. She has a very open heart like that.
I do sometimes wonder if this lifestyle is for her. We, in classic Sapphic fashion, love to do everything together, and when these other relationships draw my focus away from us or make me cancel plans, I can tell she’s disappointed, although she never complains. She always makes sure to emphasize that her priority is my health and needs, that she just wants to make sure I am okay.
But still.
Not everyone is cut out to handle this type of relationship.
Sarah Levine 
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