Unfortunately, the usual treatments for migraines haven’t been wicked successful for me recently. I’ve tried Triptans and Beta Blockers and Ubrelvy, monthly CGRP injections, infusions, even Botox, with little effect. So, I’ve decided to look into alternatives. Below is a list of some of the treatments I’m considering.
- Trepanning.
A classic. Yes, it might seem extreme to just immediately jump to boring a small hole into my skull, but I’m already sticking needles in there, so it’s not too great a leap for me. Who knows, maybe there really are demons trapped in my brain yearning to be free after all.
- Hitting myself repeatedly over the head with a hammer.
External pain might help disrupt the internal one. Plus a nice, giant bruise on my forehead will at least give me a visible reason for hurting.
- Intravenous Diet Coke drip.
I saw a Tik Tok where a woman said she cures her migraines with a Diet Coke and fries from Macdonalds. I thought that the dose of caffeine might not be high enough when you just drink the Diet Coke, so I might as well pour the soda into an IV bag and pump it directly past the blood brain barrier. Maybe a little carbonation straight to my blood stream might do the trick. I also wondered if having fizzy blood might make me float like that soda did for Charlie and Grandpa Joe and that would be a nice distraction, but then realized that probably wouldn’t be good for my vertigo.
- Dunking my head in Boiling Oil.
In the same vein as number 3. Skip the potato and go directly to the fryer. Sprinkle my crispy fried flesh with salt, and voila. A hot shower always feels good when I have a bad headache, I might just turn it up a notch. Who really needs hair or skin on their face, anyway?
- Freezing my head like Ted Williams.
Cryotherapy, cool sculpting, ice baths, plunge pools, all too tepid. I need to stick my head directly into a cryochamber meant for the preservation of tissue for use in cloning, not because I want to keep my DNA fresh, but because I genuinely think some liquid nitrogen might feel pretty nice on my throbbing keppie.
- Straight Up 1950’s Style Institutionalization and an Ice Pick Lobotomy.
If I’m not aware I’m alive, how would I know if I had a migraine?
Sarah Levine 
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